How to Not Approach a Girl, Pt. 2

This is a topic I have already covered here. But it turns out that there are many more ways to not approach a girl. You are probably thinking of some right now, so stop. Pay attention to me. Sorry for being so controlling. Can we be friends again?

Cool. Well here is a real life dialogue that existed between me and a member of the opposite sex yesterday.

I’m gonna preface this.

About a month ago, I was walking to the bus stop by the med school on campus to get a ride home.  As I approached the waiting area, I saw a guy wearing dark sunglasses.  He kinda looked like a dude I went to high school with but haven’t seen in years.  So of course, as I walked by him, I tried to catch a glimpse.  Awkwardly enough, as I passed him, he looked up.  He stared straight at me. Out of his mouth came words I did not expect to hear.

“How you doing?”

Really, Joey Tribbiani?

I was caught off guard. I sputtered out an indiscernible noise, contorted my face and kept walking until I reached the bench on the other side of the cement wall.  A minute later, his bus came by and as got on, he was staring me down. I felt scared for my life for like thirty seconds but then I got a text message.

Back to yesterday.

I am approaching the bus stop once again.  I see this same dude sitting at the bus stop bench.  At least I’m pretty sure it’s the same guy.  So in a completely non-over-reactive way, I decide to sit as far as possible. On wet grass. Under a tree.

Now I’m just sitting there playing on my cell phone. I am genuinely preoccupied trying to figure out my budget for the month. And playing Hanging with Friends. Whatever. Regardless, I thought I was safe.  But before I can even finish guessing a whole word, I look up and this dude is kneeling next to me. Words are coming out of his mouth.

I transcribed the whole thing for your reading pleasure:

Dude: How you doing? (It’s not at all weird to be talking to a preoccupied stranger.)

Me: Um. Fine. (Why are you talking to me?)

Dude: What college are you in?

Me: I’m a grad student.

Dude: You’re a grad student?

Me: Yup. (I know, I look like an 18 year old)

Dude: So what you are studying?

Me: Education.

Dude: That’s cool. What college is that?

Me: The colleges are only for undergrads. But I used to be in Sixth. (Since you seem so interested in the college system)

Dude: What’s that?

Me: Do you even go here? (Why are you on my campus?)

Dude: No. (Chick probably thinks I’m a doctor or something. Bonus points!)

Let me just point out that this whole time I am still looking at my phone.

Me: It’s right there. *Pointing to Sixth College* (You should go over there and look.)

Dude: That’s cool.

Me: Mmhmm. (Is it though?)

Dude: What do you study in that college?

Me: It doesn’t work like that*.

Dude: Ohh. So what did you major in?

My bus pulls up. Hallelujah, right? Wrong. Dude starts following me.

Dude: Soo…what did you study? (Second time’s the charm.)

Me: Math. (You are still here. That’s disappointing)

Dude: What is your favorite kind of math?

Me: Are you getting on this bus? (Please say no.)

Dude: Maybe.

Me: Do you even know where you are going? (I am genuinely worried for your mental stability.)

Dude: Do you like Algebra? (She’s gonna think I’m so smart.)

Me: I like Geometry. (I prefer Real Analysis, but I don’t want to embarrass you more than you are already embarrassing yourself.)

Dude: Here’s an equation for you.

Me: (Oh God)**

I am now getting on the bus and searching for a seat. And yes. He is now on the bus too.

Dude: What’s “You + Me”? (Nailed it.)

Me: Not happening. (Perfect exit question. Thank you.)

I keep walking, and find a seat on the back of the bus, avoiding looking at him the best I can. He sits a couple seats ahead of me.  When he gets off (at the next stop. yup.) he shouts “Goodbye and good luck” at me.  You can keep your luck. Apply it toward life skills.

Who lets boys use these pick-up lines? Who taught taught them these things? Have they ever spoken to a female before?

I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.

However, it does prove the claim I made in class today:

My contribution to class.

*UCSD’s undergrad is broken up into six colleges.  They are not major specific. They just have different themes. It’s like Hogwarts.

**Is it bad that for a split second I thought he would actually give me a math problem and I got a little bit excited? Only for a split second. I promise.

On a lighter note, look at this. I’m pretty sure it’s a Furby.

What are some of the worst pick up lines you have heard? And/or do you have any advice for this dude? Your thoughts – give them to me.

  1. What I really wonder is, did he have a catalog of similar responses for other possible fields of study? That was a lot of leadup for that one line; one has to assume he must have been prepared with other subject-appropriate pickup lines.

    For me, one really bad way for a girl to approach me as a guy is with a cigarette in her mouth. I cannot feel romantically inclined while choking to death on your smoke, sorry. (and yes, actual encounter)

    • Brynn said:

      Exactly, right? I can just see him at home Googling “biology pick up lines”, “psychology pick up lines”, etc. If it wasn’t for the fact that pick-up lines don’t work, I would give him an A for effort.

      And yes…smokers should just avoid people who seem to enjoy breathing oxygen.

      • I couldn’t help it. I had to Google “psychology pickup lines”. There’s a Facebook page for them, no less. The first of which is “I’m feeling existentially isolated, let’s fuse.”

        Now I’m wondering if Freudian pickup lines begin wtih comparing a girl to your mother.

      • Brynn said:

        I wish I could “like” this comment.

      • The motion to deem my comment as liked has passed unanimously (it’s easy to get agreement when you don’t let anyone else vote). 😀

  2. mom said:

    Okay, after I got done laughing out loud (really loud), I’m now snapping back into “mom mode.” Should I be worried?

    • Brynn said:

      well, i lived to tell my story…

  3. One question that did occur to me: was he actually on campus grounds, or just near the campus? If he was on campus grounds and you see him again in the same spot, I’d honestly be tempted to just let campus security know a non-student was hanging out in that area hitting on college girls. Not that he’s any threat, as he seems harmless enough from your description, but it doesn’t hurt for them to be aware of someone out of place in this day and age.

    • Brynn said:

      Wow, my roommate just got seriously harassed on campus by a crazy person, and if it wasn’t for this comment, I wouldn’t have thought to tell her to call campus security! So thank you!

      • Glad to help. Fortunately a lot of campuses are more cautious about safety these days, particularly of female students. It’s unfortunate that they need to be, but very good to see that more of them are taking security seriously.

  4. Gosh this is hilarious and it sounds like something that would happen to me.

    Pick-up line:
    Guy: Are you a parking ticket?
    Me: No.
    Guy: Cause you’ve got fine written all over you.

    • Brynn said:

      Thanks! And wow. That is gutsy. How do guys expect a girl to respond to that? With nervous laughter? Mace?

      • Upon consideration, I suppose the theory goes like this:

        If the girl finds you interesting, she’ll laugh at it and offer encouragement. It’s bad enough that only an interested girl will encourage it. A good test of interest, for a “player”. Making a girl laugh is an ice breaker; it puts her off guard because her assessment of your threat level goes down with the cheese of the line, and you’ve also jumped the first verbal exchange hurdle. For the most part, a girl who’s really interested will respond favorably to most any line just to keep the interaction going.

        Then all the other guys try it, because they can’t believe the player’s target fell for it. And they don’t really get that he got the girl’s attention because he’s intriguing *in spite* of the line, rather than because of the line. And any guy’s ego is going to jump to the assumption that he used the line on the wrong girl, rather than that he was uninteresting himself. Leaves his ego a nice cushion and also encourages him to try it again on the next girl till he finds the right one.

        Mind you, that’s my analytical brain examining, not personal experience speaking. I can’t say I’ve ever tried a pickup line that I can recall.

      • Mace is always my first response to random men picking me up..Maybe that’s why I am single???

  5. wow. He was really wanting to talk to you. maybe… because you DID know him from high school! 🙂

    • Brynn said:

      somewhere he is writing a blog about this jerky girl he went to high school with….

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