Guest Post: “Using Math in Real-Life” by Tyler Tarver

Today’s blog post has been unforcefully taken over by famous (yes, famous) blogger Tyler Tarver.  He’s a math teacher, an Arkansan, father, husband, author and facial hair grower. And he still finds the time to crap out daily comedic genius on his blog  I’m actually a little annoyed with him, because his blog posts make me giggle like the little girl I am, ruining any chances I have at projecting a “tuff” exterior.  I blame my lack of street cred on him. Anyways, you should buy his book, “Words [& sentences]”.  I mean, I like it.

Reading Tarver's book..duh.

Seeing that he is a math teacher, he is automatically my hero. Wait, what did I say? I mean, I figured he should write about math. You know, help a sister out with some knowledge I can drop on my students.  So, here we are ladies and gents:


Using Math in Real-Life

by Tyler Tarver

As a secondary math teacher, I hear the phrase “when will I ever use this in real-life” more than an ugly person hears they have a great personality. You’re a personality, MOM!

My top 2 answers:

•    I use it all the time.

•    On the test.

But it’s time, nay, it is time. See that. When I drop the contraction you know crap’s about to go down like the 2nd Rescuers Movie (the one with the rats or mice or whatever).

Here are some common situations when using in math in real-life saves lives, face, Ferris, and the last dance.

At the Club: When you’re making it rain on some girl, you don’t want to be using all your hundreds, cause then you can’t afford dem rims you be wantin to be ridin dirty spinnas. Calculate the time per seconds it takes for you to flick a dollar (dps) and divide the total seconds by that to find how many bills a playa gonna need. If you have to, just cash those dollars in for tokens at your neighborhood Chucky Cheese and make it hail on them [ladies].

Long paragraph, but vital. FYI: Making it rain means throwing money on chicks, respectfully.

Pirates of the Caribbean: There’s like 23 of them out there, how do you know what order to watch them if you don’t know numbers? I’ll tell you, blindfolded. That’s right, learn math, or walk through life blindfolded and pregnant. Hey, don’t blame me, you’re the one droppin Hamiltons at the club, shawty.

High-5s: No one wants to be that guy that throws up a high 3. The last guy that did that was Frank from 4th grade writing class. You know where he is now? Dead. Well, not dead, but he drives a PT Cruiser, so, potatoes/poe-tot-oes.

If the Matrix becomes Real: It’s more of a chance than you’d think. This one time I was totally in this room and this guy ran in and was all like “hey” and I was like “hey” and he said “Mr. Anderson?” and I said “Agent Smith” and then I was all like boom boom pshew pshew and he was like pop pop pow pow and then I made all that up but it’s okay cause you look really hot and you quit reading during the club paragraph.

Just drop out and get some abs and be on a reality show.

What’s your favorite number?

Tyler Tarver is more fun than the 3rd hour of Monopoly, but less entertaining than two shoes. You can check out his website, subscribe to it here, check him on Twitter @tylertarver, or just buy his brand new toilet book which he won’t shutup about titled Words&Sentences that 4 people have said is “funnier than sliced bread.” He’s not as attractive as you, but he sure does love you.

  1. Tyler said:

    So is this like that episode of Lost that centered around Nikki and Paulo? Everyone has to take a break from the good stuff to hear about something no one cares about? Why does my face hurt? Question marks?

    • Brynn said:

      Dude, it’s the inverse of that. Boom. Who got mathed NOW?

      • Tyler said:

        I’m thinking contrapositive, with absolutely no counterexamples.

        We should start a school.

  2. Tyler, you’re a math teacher? I always thought you were a professional sumo wrestle. And as for makin it rain on dem ladies. I like to make it rain on dem gents to show I’m independent and don’t need their dough as in play dough.

    • Brynn said:

      We roll in the same lady crowd. All the hunnies makin’ monay.

      • Tyler said:

        It’s like my mom always said, “all the women who independent throw your hands up”. my dad was jay-z.

  3. You’re so right! i actually stopped reading during the club paragraph! It’s like this post was written FOR ME

    • Tyler said:

      It did have your name in the title but Knox used the quota for the day so I just changed it to read on my social security card. Dad?

      • I hoped you wouldn’t find that out

  4. 16 is my favorite number. because it is awesome. and i only do awesome.

    • Tyler said:

      That is true. 16 is a great choice because I have a lot of it’s stuff memorized. Like a boss? Precisely.

      Does anyone ever call you Deth? I think so.

  5. Dusty said:

    As a fellow math teacher, it is clear to me that Nikki and Paulo did not know their math. Miles, that man knew his math. I’m not stereotyping, I’m counting the diamonds at the end of the day like an abacus handcuffed to a calendar.

    • Tyler said:

      Miles, he was a man of win. Also think Eko went before his time.

      Ps Your last line was better than anything I’ve ever written.

      • Dusty said:

        Thanks! I hoped that you would like it.

  6. Kevin said:

    My favorite number is 3, because all great things come in threes. My parents kids, the number of books I read this year, and Toy Story.

    • Tyler said:

      don’t forget about trifectas!

    • Tyler said:

      such is my plan, sir greatsby

  7. I’m disappointed you pretended to be me when fighting Agent Sharideth Smith.

    Fly like an eagle, buttercup. Stay reel.

  8. mom said:

    WHY. WHY. WHY did I NOT have a teacher like this in high school. I’m soooooo glad Tyler is inspiring my girl and others to do the math and to teach the math in such a cool way. LOVED this as I love all of your blog my Brynnie Girl 🙂 ox

  9. robshep said:

    I hate Math but Iike Tyler Tarver. I guess nobody is perfect.

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